sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
