dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
