then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I want to make a zoo with you.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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