from now on my penis is your penis
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Randomize