I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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