I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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