I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
