I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
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