my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Randomize
