Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
