Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
