my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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