You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
