Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
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