We named our party play list daddy issues
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize