Even water is tasting like jack daniels
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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