I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
There r osticjed everywhere
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
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