ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
