Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
