I am in a vortex of obligation.
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize
