everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
