What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Ladies don't puke and tell
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
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