Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
