i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Sorry about my life...
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
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