I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
My breasts were aching with rage.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
