I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Randomize
