I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
