she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
