The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Sext me about skeletons
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
