I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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