this is amy. the small petlike person from the womens bathroom at the reef.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
