so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
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