U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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