you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Randomize
