I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
