I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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