Three words: puerto rican gang bang
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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