i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
