walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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