don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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