my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
