I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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