Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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