Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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