i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
