i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
