I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
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