i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Randomize
