Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Your cock deserves a montage
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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