I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
