on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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