If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
