MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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