so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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