Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
