Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
