im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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