we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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