I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
