Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
