If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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