I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
