toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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