i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
do herpes really smell.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
