Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
