If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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