It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
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